


My Kingdom For A Thneed

by garbageMcGee



Category: Shrek (Movies), The Lorax (2012)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, im going to die now, truckin and fuckin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:50:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garbageMcGee/pseuds/garbageMcGee
Summary: Lord Farquaad falls for a young entrepreneur with a dark side. Will these star-crossed lovers ever find happiness?





	1. Chapter 1

Lord Farquaad sat in his throne, thrumming his fingers against the thing that you put your arm on. Armrest. He sighed a long deep sigh. Things weren't working out well for him, he’d finally banished all those freaky fairytale freaks from his beautiful perfect kingdom. He should have been happy, he thought to himself as he stroked his smexy stubbly chin.   
“I know!” he ejaculated “Guards! Bring in the mirror!”  
Immediately, two hulking guards walked into the room and carried the magic mirror that could talk and stuff. Usually the mirror offered some sort of advice, but lord farquaad was far too distracted to pay attention. All he noticed was the bright pink scarves his guards were wearing.  
“What the hell are Those things!” He exclaimed. What were his guards doing wearing such a silly item of clothing! They were supposed to set an example and be intimidating!  
“You there!” he pointed to one of the guards “lift me up!”  
He then ripped the scarf off the guards neck. The guard was crying.  
“imm just So so ssorry i jusst wanteed to wear myy thneed”  
Lord farquaad picked up the scarf from the ground. It was incredibly soft to the touch. It was apparent that this scarf was very well made. In his head he started to form an idea.  
“A thneed you say? Find the manufactuers of this incredible piece of clothing and bring him or her (lord farquaad didnt discreminate) to me at once!”  
The guards nodded and ran away.  
“As for you…” he rubbed the Thneed against his stubbly chin.  
“Ah yes. This will be perfect”


	2. Chapter 2

The Onceler reclined in his incredibly Ornate office, dressed in a beautiful emerald suit. The suit was the color of emerald, not made of actual emeralds bc that would be pretty fucking stupid. He stretched his long stringy body, and yawned rudely. He glanced at his enormously long and thick desk, a lot of people remarked to the Onceler, “Holy Cow thats a fucking big desk” and he would normally stroke his desk lovingly and agree with them. It was made of hard strong wood and he was proud of it, everyone was in awe of his incredible desk.

He looked at a portrait on the desk, and traced his gloved fingers over it. In the picture he was embracing his long time rival, and long time love, the Lorax. Oh how he missed those long summer nights, when he held his lover in his freakishly long arms, caressing his velvety orange fur as they made love deep into the night, sometimes into the mornings. Oh how he missed watching the morning glinting off of the Lorax’s weird ape body, and how it felt when he awoke to the Lorax’s yellow mustache tickling his lips. The onceler sighed, and his breath hitched, his Little Onceler also recalling days gone by. He considered his talleywhacker for a moment, figuring that it couldn't hurt to give the ol’ lovestick a lil attention. Just as he was readying his trouser snake, someone entered his office

. The Onceler put his hands on his desk, and blushed deeply. “AAAWHAT DO YOU- i mean” he coughed into his sleeve and contained himself “what do you want”. He sneered and rolled his eyes.

“Sir! You won't believe what just happened!” his assistant was so excited that she literally started peeing herself, with excitement. “Someone ordered one hundred Thousand Thneeds!”

“No shit?” the onceler replied.

“No shit! Someone from a city called,” the assistant studied her papers, “uh. Duloc. A Lord Farquaad from Duloc.”

“A Lord hmm?” His member shuddered. The Onceler was an incredibly rich and powerful man, but this Lord must have been rich beyond his imagination. Like, scrooge mcduck diving into a pool of gold rich. Nothing sexier than an elderly waterfowl abusing the system for his own gain and mocking the poor with his obscene wealth. Besides, the Onceler could have all the money and power he could get his slender hands on, but that couldn't compare to the power that a ruler held.

“Do you. Do you have a picture of this Farquaad”

His assistant reached into her portfolio and began to hand him a photo, which he greedily snatched out of her hands.

“Thanks now scram!” he barked.

When he was finally alone he took the picture in his hands, stroking it gently, staring deeply into the lord’s eyes, admiring his strong jawline. He took his sizable ham roll into his hand, and got to work. When he was satisfied, he took another look at the file his assistant left on his desk. He knew that he had to meet this lord Farquaad himself. “Oh yes, you’re going to be quite a thorn in my side, Farquaad.” he chuckled to himself. _Cant wait until i put my thorn in your side._


	3. Chapter 3

“My lord, you have a visitor” Farquaad, who was slumped on his throne, shot up and straightened out his. Uh. robes? His robes. He had been expecting this particular guest for a while, but didn't expect him to show up that soon. He must have been eager to meet the man who would be buying one hundred thousand of his thneeds. He straightened out the crown on his head and cleared his throat. “Ah yes, bring him in”. Before the guard could turn around, a tall man in a green suit pushed open the doors and strode into the room. He stopped just before reaching Farquaad, and bowed deeply.  
“My lord, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you”  
Faraquad was blown away by the sheer beauty of the young man in front of him. With his long, slender figure, pale white skin, and arrogant, yet likable attitude. It was almost like he was created by tumblr to be everyone’s problematic fav because the only characters that people seem to like these days are thin cis white men, because y’all TALK about wanting diverse characters but when you're given them you’d rather fuck with some boring white dude smfh. I forgot what i was doing oh yeah.  
Farquaad stood to his full height and took the hand of the onceler in his own. “Oh no,”He looked deeply into the onceler’s azure orbs and placed a gentle kiss on his pale hand. “The pleasure is my own.”  
The onceler’s heart began beating fast, and he wiped away the sweat on his forehead with the sleeve of his emerald (the color not the gem because that woudl be fuckign stupid) suit. He knew how attractive Farquaad was, but he had no way of knowing just how smooth he was, and in this moment he thought about how Farquaad only came up to his dick and how hot that was. The onceler abruptly stood up, very aware of his flushed cheeks. “Enough formalities, lets get to business.”  
Farquaad smirked, “of course, but it's so late. Wouldn't you rather rest here for the night? Then we can discuss all the boring details in the morning.”  
The oncler could only manage to nod his head.  
“Perfect! Now come, we should prepare for dinner.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *final pam voice* God forgive me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's sex, im sorry.

The Onceler was absolutely stuffed, and laid in bed after shoving his mouth completely full… of food. He massaged his stomach and moaned loudly. After a while, he began to peel his suit from his body, sensuously pulling his gloves off with his teeth. Undressed, he looked sort of like a featherless heron, it was, in fact, so disgusting to see him naked that some people even vomited. So he made sure that he was never entirely naked. The lorax was the only person who could stand the sight of his disgusting bird body. He sighed loudly as he thought about the lorax, wondering what he was up to. He sat back in the luxurious bedroom that farquaad had provided for him. He was preparing to get into bed, when he heard a knock at the door.  
“W-who is it?” he stuttered. Farquaad was standing in the doorway, a smug look on his face. The Onceler’s breath hitched. He pulled the sheets over his hideous form. “Dont just walk into places uninvited, b-baka.”  
“It's my castle isn't it ~~” he replied smexily. He slid over to the ornate bed, fingering the silk sheets. The onceler’s face began to get as red as a lobster. “Besides, I know what you want”  
The taller man managed to will away the massive boner he was getting from being so close to farquad, but he knew that he couldn't remain bonerless for long. He was breathing in the thick heady musk that farquaad gave off. He smelled like he hadn't showered for days, which the onceler, that nasty fuck, found really hot. He couldnt withstand the pheromones, and without warning he launched himself at the lord in front of him, pulling him down onto the bed, and ontop of himself. Farquaad moaned into the oncelers mouth. He was also chewing a piece of gum before they made out and the onceler ended up choking on it which was pretty gross. After performing the heimlich maneuver they got back to doing the nasty, grabbing at the others members through the sheets. Finally, farquaad disrobed, showing off the masses of thick chest hair he had. You could braid that shit, the onceler thought to himself. But when farquaad pulled down his loincloth, he wasnt thinking anything except, wow thats a big ol donger. Farquad and the onceler rubbed their meat sticks together, moaning in unison. “Oh yeah,” Farquaad sighed smexily, “my pingusfeels so good against your big long rod”  
The onceler was a quivering mess in farquads small but weirdly muscular hands. “Please put your junk inside me!!!!” Then they started banging like two pots on a kitchen stove. After at least thirty minutes of hardcore fuckin’ and truckin’ the onceler was about the heap his lid. And by lid i mean his dick. “I'm gonna bust my nut!” the onceler screamed.  
“I'm also going to ejaculate!” and then, after an additional thirty minutes of fucking. They both came at once. They decided to lay in the bed, holding each other closely until someone burst into the room.  
“Oh my god” said the onceler “it's the Lorax!”


End file.
